


Let Our Hearts, Like Doors, Open Wide

by Jason_Silver



Series: Give us Bread, Give us Salt, Give us Wine [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aftercare, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, Light Masochism, M/M, Spanking, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:55:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27346198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jason_Silver/pseuds/Jason_Silver
Summary: Gideon is Spencer's full time mentor and sometimes lover. It's a complete fucking mess but it's Spencer's mess and he's made peace with that. So when Aaron Hotchner walks through the doors of the BAU, full of stern authority and sharp intelligence, Spencer can feel he's about to make a horrible horrible mistake.Turns out maybe it's a wonderful wonderful mistake.This is a series, each work can be read on it's own and in what ever order you want. It spans the first two seasons. This part is Spencer's point of view of the same events as part one which is in Hotch's point of view. The timeline of each chapter roughly lines up with each other.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Jason Gideon/Spencer Reid
Series: Give us Bread, Give us Salt, Give us Wine [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1996954
Comments: 18
Kudos: 123





	1. Birthdays Are the Worst

It's Gideon's birthday and nothing feels right with them. There really isn't a them to begin with. In all fairness things haven't been good since Gideon left the team but birthdays are always the worst. He'd asked Gideon to take him out on his 21st but Gideon said he was busy. The next week when Gideon asked him what he did he had to lie because he wasn't about to tell Gideon that he'd spend that night curled up in a nest of blankets crying because his only friend was 'busy' on his birthday.

He knows Gideon didn't mean to hurt him, just like how he doesn't mean to hurt him with his radio silence now.

Spencer thinks the worst part is knowing everything they could have been one way or another. Gideon was an astounding mentor, he gave Spencer the room to breath and explore on his own but was always there with a guiding hand when he got lost. He put up with Spencer rambling on and on all night, no he didn't just put up with it he was the one person on this earth who enjoyed listing to Spencer ramble. He stuck up for Spencer at every turn, through every snide comment, through every idiot who wanted to look down at him for his age, for his awkwardness, for his intellect. And Spencer challenged him, makes him strive to do better, opens his mind to new ways of thinking. Spencer's Philosophy degree was as much for him as it was for Gideon.

Gideon was an astounding lover. He was gentle when Spencer needed it and rough when he wanted. He could turn Spencer on with just a quick smile. He's the kind of man who would cook you breakfast every morning without fail. He's soft reassuring whispers in the night when Spencer jerks awake because of a bad dream. He brings Spencer hotcoco when he knows he wants something sweet but coffee will make him too jittery. His hands feel like they were made to fit on Spencer's body, he know how to push just enough that Spencer doesn't break.

But the train wreck begins when he tries to be both. They'd tried just being lovers after they stop officially being student and teacher but he doesn't think Gideon has ever been able to really see him outside of that context. When Spencer joins the BAU they try just being colleagues and that last a whole month before they fall into bed together again. In the morning Gideon won't even talk to him he's so wrapped up in his own guilt.

It always lingers between them.

Spencer looks up from his desk and see Gideon staring at him in that way that means he's going to get fucked so hard he won't be able to walk tomorrow, he puts aside his paperwork with a sigh.

Some cop calls Spencer a kid and Gideon corrects her but it comes out so defensive it makes Spencer wince, when he tries to share a hotel room with Gideon the man just glares at him.

He knows Gideon will never forgive him for developing a crush and acting on it.

Gideon know's he will never forgive him because Gideon was the literal adult in the situation.

Spencer's tried other people. He's tried dating, he's tried one night stands, he's tried the BDSM club just five blocks from his apartment. But when Gideon knocks on his door he always answers with a sigh of relief because everyone else is a toddler with a toy trumpet and Gideon is a symphony.

So when Aaron Hotchner walks through the doors of the BAU, full of stern authority and sharp intelligence, Spencer can feel he's about to make that horrible horrible mistake all over again. He's everything Spencer needs right now. He's rules and order and stoicism. His commanding voice has Spencer longing to get on his knees in a way Gideon's never fully comfortable with but that he craves.

And he's Spencer fucking unit chief. He knows he has a type, and it practically screams daddy issues, but god fucking damnit for once in his life could this just be easy?

Then again why does it have to be difficult? Agent Hotchner is just a fill in for Gideon why can't he fill the Gideon shaped hole in his life in more than one way? In a few weeks, a month tops, Gideon will back and he'll probably never have to even have to see this man again if he does't want to. They've have six, SIX, unit chiefs since Gideon's been gone, who's to say this one will even last a week? He's not even a profiler, really he'll just slow the team down and maybe if he does a bad enough job Gideon will come back sooner.

Maybe if Spencer tells him how good Agent Hotchner's cock feels inside him Gideon will come to his fucking senses.

And it's not like he doesn't see the way Agent Hotchner is looking at him like he's the last piece of the most delicious pie he knows he's not allowed to have. It’s the middle of a case and Agent Hotchner tells them all to get some rest. The others disperse but Spencer rides with him to the hotel. He glances at the unit chief and the unit chief glances back. Spencer has alway had bad impulse control.

They manage to check their professional relationship at the hotel door. He's on his knees in front of Agent Hotchner and all he feels is a deep sense of belonging. He gags on his cock and Agent Hotchner only asks once if he's okay, Spencer tells him unless he says stop to keep going and he sinks back down into that wonderful place where someone else in control.

A weak later Gideon announces that Agent Hotchner will be staying on as unit chief, the man's eyes snap to Spencer taking in his reaction.

Spencer curses every god and fate he's ever known.

(Spencer thanks every god and fate he's ever known.)

Spencer has never been very adept at hiding his feelings but it’s a month after 'the incident' and he feels like he's finally getting a handle on things. Thank god for being labeled a social awkward mess because JJ and Morgan just chalk any weirdness they sense between him and their unit chief as Spencer's resistance to change. And Gideon is too wrapped up in his own shit to even notice. It stings more than Spencer wants to admit. So he won't tell Gideon, besides it's just a one off thing.

He keeps expecting Agent Hotchner to show up at his desk with that same look in his eyes that Gideon gets but he's a fucking brick wall of emotionless stares. He can't read the man half the time and it's infuriating. He just wants Agent Hotchner gone so Gideon can be back in his rightful place in the team and in Spencer's life.

But he can see how much happier Gideon is when he's not the unit chief.

And a happy Gideon makes for a lonely Spencer.

That night after the first and ONLY time, after everything Spencer let Agent Hotchner do to him he expects the man to roll over in bed and not even be able to look at the disheveled mess he'd made of his much younger and subordinate agent. He expects silence as he quietly gathers his clothes and slinks out of the room. He expects Agent Hotchner won't even be able to look him in the eyes the next day. He expects all of this because it's all he's ever known, with the professor who shall not be named, with other students who liked him in their bed but didn't want anything to do with him outside of that, with Gideon.

"Hey, let me." Agent Hotchner gently pries the damp washcloth from his hands and sets about cleaning Spencer himself. It feels good and when the man leans over for a kiss Spencer lets him. Spencer isn't very good at this whole kissing thing but Agent Hotchner makes him want to learn so he cups the back of Hotchner's neck and pulls him closer.

He keeps waiting for Hotchner to either decided he's ready for a second round or show him the door but neither happens. Hotchner changes into his pajamas, sets an alarm clock, and slips under the covers of the bed closest to the door. So that's it then, his kindness stops at sharing a bed.

"Come to bed." Hotchner insists in a soft yet authoritative tone that totally doesn't make Spencer ready for round two. Hotchner holds open the covers. He could refuse, say something off handed about how he doesn't sleep well with others (which might be true but he's never had the chance to find out). He sees a flicker of disappointment cross the unit chief's face at his deliberation and ...

Hotchner's arms wrap around him, loose enough he can break free if he needs but tight enough to make him feel wanted. Hotchner is out in minuets but Spencer finds out that yes, it's very hard to sleep with someone else in the same bed. Even though he's bone tired and even though Hotchner set that damned alarm clock for 6am, Spencer stays, one hand splayed out of Hotchner's rising and falling chest watching his eyes flickers in a dream state and the first genuine smile he's seem sneak across the agents lips.

What's even worse is only one month later everyone on the team loves Agent Hotchner, and that everyone does not include Spencer Reid thank you very much. (okay maybe a little). He's a better unit chief than Gideon, it takes Spencer a while to admit this but he is. He's like this perfect membrane between the team and the rest of the world. He's a protector through and through ready to lay down his life and his job to keep the team safe and happy. He's even kind of smart, he's not a profiler (not yet) but he knows people and every time Hotchner comes up with something that breaks the case wide open Spencer is impressed.

So yes Unit Chief Agent Hotchner might be growing on him a little.

It's been a month and since Gideon's gotten his mojo back in every other sense Spencer figures the least he can do is going to back fucking him on a semi-regular basis. It's been a tough case, bombings again, it's probably brought up a lot feelings for Gideon. It's nights like this that Gideon is the one who needs Spencer and god damnit he's determined to be there for him this time whether Gideon wants it or not.

They start with a game of chess in his office, Spencer wonders if he'll be daring enough to take him here but he's ready to offer up his apartment if it comes to that. He doesn't like having Gideon over to his sanctum, he doesn't like having anyone over. Sometimes Morgan, JJ more often. Morgan has at least been able to keep himself in check but with Gideon he can see the man profiling him with every glimpse he gets into Spencer's life.

Spencer starts setting up the board. He takes white and Gideon takes black as does 65.6% of the time. Gideon thinks they split the colors evenly but he's wrong. It's probably because he's trying to give Spencer the advantage.

"What do I get if I beat you this time?" Spencer moves his pawn and wiggles his eyebrows in what he hopes is a very suggestive way, he can wait through the game he isn't an animal but he wants Gideon to know he's ... available ... tonight. Gideon's eyes stay trained on the board as if he's trying to picture every variant of the game. Spencer doesn't win often. It isn't about winning for him. It's about this, this interplay between them made rendered into physical form.

"I don't want that from you tonight Spencer." Gideon's voice is firm as he makes his opening move. He still doesn't look up.

It's like a spear through his heart.

Spencer looses in 10 moves, he lingers for a moment hoping Gideon will ask him to stay but he turns his back on Spencer as he begins packing his things. Spencer take the opportunity to slip out before Gideon can see the look on his face.

He looks back to see if Gideon has followed him but he hasn't. His eyes snag on the only other person still in the office, Agent Hotchner is watching him.


	2. Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer goes back for seconds

It’s cold and raining outside and Spencer is curled up in the widow seat Morgan had build him just for this purpose. He's filled his thermos with sugary coffee and has a toasted bagel sandwich precariously balanced on a stack of books next to him. It’s the kind of afternoon he’s planing to get lost in. He’d picked up a copy of the Poetics and he’s planing to get through at least the first half of Aristotle’s works today. But his mind keeps wondering, he’s only reading 10 pages per minute. He can’t stop thinking about the way Agent Hotchner had smiled at him yesterday when he’d found a break in the case. It’s the first time he’s seen that smile since the hotel room and he didn’t think he’d see it again, not directed at him. He’d learned about Agent Hotchner’s wife and that was that, he’s done questionable things before (Gideon for example) but he’s not a home wrecker. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with Hotchner outside of work so why did he give him that smile which should only be reserved for intimate partners?

Spencer sighs and puts down the book after realizing he hasn’t absorbed any of the last five pages. His eyes scan the shelf looking for something to take his mind off Hotchner. It’s mostly non fiction with a side of Russian novels. He thinks about picking up his well worn copy of Lolita, he bought it as a joke, as something to get under the-professor-who-shall-not-be-named’s skin. It had had its intended effect, the man had fucked him senseless after seeing it on Spencer’s desk, but once he actually got around to reading it he was intrigued but how complex the text was. 

Instead he picks up “A Comfortable Corner” by Vincent Virga, it’s a guilty pleasure book easy to read in a few hours. It’s not as predictable as most romance novels, it’s more about the interplay between friends and romance. He’d found it after devouring “Gaywyck” and “Vadriel Vail” the only other two fiction books of Virga’s in print. He had been expecting another dark and twisted gothic romance but he what he got was grounded and tender. 

He’s just sinking into it when his phone rings, it’s the BAU ringtone that means they have a case. He shoves the book into his go bag and heads out only just managing to remember to grab an umbrella.

Hotchner sits across from him on the plane and Spencer shoots him a look that’s meant to say ‘I’m reading go away’. He can hear Garcia and Morgan having their usual banter in the background while Elle and Gideon go over the case. JJ is on the phone with someone. Shouldn’t Hotchner be working? Instead he’s leaning over slightly to see what Spencer is reading. Another rare smile flits across his lips, a smile of shared secrets.

“Have you read his other works?”

Spencer sighs, you’d think having your nose in a book would excuse you form any useless conversations. But he has to play nice if Agent Hotchner is really going to stay on as their unit chief there’s no reason to try and make him dislike Spencer.

“Yes, even the ones you can only find in the rare collection at Oxford.”

Hotchner looks impressed which is the intended result.

“I know the others are more famous but that one’s still my favorite.”

Spencer nods in agreement and goes back to reading, Hotchner stays where he is and pulls out a case file.

On the plane ride back Hotchner is staring out the window looking tired but happy to have the case over with, Spencer knows he thought it was a waste of their time and he himself was a little annoyed the unsub hadn’t presented more of a challenge after they went all the way to California. The paperwork is sitting in front of Hotchner only half done. He looks up surprised when Spencer takes the seat opposite him.

Spencer slides ‘A Comfortable Corner’ towards Hotchner. There’s that smile again. Hotchner takes the book, Spencer finds himself too distracted again by Agent Hotchner to concentrate on his own. He leans his seat back, slips off his suit jacket, and pops the top button on his dress shirt giving Spencer a spectacular view of his neck and just a hint of chest hair. Spencer gulps. He desperately wants something from Hotchner and he’s horribly afraid the man will give it to him.

Spencer waits until everyone else leaves the office, he’s just waved goodby to JJ when he glances at Hotchner’s office to see the lights are still on. He doesn’t know how to ask for what he wants, he doesn’t know if Hotchner will give it to him. He just needs.

He’s standing in the doorway and when Hotchner looks up at him with naked desire all he can say is-

“Please.”

As they walk out of the BAU together he see’s that not everyone had left, Garcia is locking up her office. She catches his wide eyed look like he’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar but she just smile reassuringly at him. Spencer nods back and hurries him and Hotchner out before anyone else can see. 

In the car he finally gets the courage up to ask.

“Does your wife know?” He tells himself he won’t go through with this if he catches Hotchner in a lie, he’ll just thank him for the ride home and that will be that. God he hope he lies.

“A year ago we decided to see other people.”

It’s the truth. 

When Hotchner takes off his belt Spencer’s eyes go wide realizing he might just get what he’s asked for.

“I need it to hurt.” He’d told Hotchner but he hadn’t really expected the man to deliver. Hotchner has him sit down on the bed first and makes him look him in the eye.

“I’m not going to stop until you tell me to.” He said serious eyes boring into Spencer. “But I need your word that you will tell me to stop when you’ve had enough.”

Spencer nods eyeing the belt eagerly.

“Your word Spencer, I don’t want to take this too far but if you want to hurt I am more than happy to give it to you.” There was bit of worry creasing his face and Spencer deflates a little. He’s just like Gideon, he’ll give in to what Spencer needs but he won’t like it. He wonders if he’ll cry afterwards like Gideon did the first and only time.

“I promise I’ll tell you when to stop.”

He expects it to more playful than anything when Hotchner has him draped over the bed but the first hit takes his breath away and the second hot on its heels makes him gasp. He looks back over his shoulders and Hotchner’s expression is nothing short of enthusiastic enjoyment. When he brings the belt down again and Spencer lets out a cry he can see Hotchner’s bulge grow larger. When Spencer arches up into the pain he can hear Hotchner behind him whistle in appreciation. He losses count, he never losses count. Hotchner runs a hand down his sweat covered back before ranking his fingers down his burning backside. Spencer moans and buries his head in a pillow. He’d put up sound proofing through the whole apartment but he still doesn’t want to chance someone hearing him like this.

“You’re perfect Spencer.” Agent Hotchner’s voice is full of such reverence Spencer almost believes him for a second.

Spencer finishes Hotchner off with his mouth because he doesn’t think he ass can take anything more tonight. Hotchner offers to do the same but Spencer just sakes his head hoping he understandings that the pain was a better release than any orgasm could be tonight. Hotchner doesn’t push it and he can’t know how grateful Spencer is for that.

He stays. He cleans Spencer up like before and when Spencer comes out of the shower feeling a deep sense of satisfaction he’s still there. Spencer makes him tea, earl gray with honey just how he knows he likes it, and Hotchner lets him curl up in his lap with a book. He’s clearly on the verge of sleep but Spencer wants him here, it’s selfish but he’s feeling selfish tonight.

“Thank you.” Hotchner murmur and he knows it’s not just for the tea, it’s absurd, he should be the one thanking Hotchner for all he’s given him tonight. For not asking questions or pushing him. Spencer just snuggles closer, he doesn’t know how to tell Hotchner what tonight meant for him.

Hotchner’s snoring shakes him out of his book and he gets up intending on beckoning Hotchner to bed. But instead the man starts gathering his things, pulling a sock out of crease of the couch and finding his go bag where he left it in the kitchen. He kisses Spencer once and he’s gone.

Right, his wife is probably expecting him to be there in the morning.


	3. Gideon’s Revenge

Spencer finds Hotchner’s belt still laying on his bed, he puts it next to his go bag intending to give it back to Hotchner when they have a moment alone but instead it finds its way to the drawer in Spencer’s bedside table with the lube and the condoms.

The next day there’s a case and he can see Hotchner watching him out of the corner of his eye. He smiles that small secretive smile when Spencer doesn’t even try to sit in the hard unyielding chairs at the round table.

Gideon notices Spencer standing and on their way out to the plane he hangs back engaging Spencer in conversation. When everyone else is far enough away he feels Gideon grope his ass and he can’t help the yelp that escape his mouth. Thankfully it’s whisked away by the sounds of the plane’s engine.

“I didn’t know you had someone else.”

“You didn’t ask.” Spencer retorts storming off.

When Gideon grabs two keys to the hotel room and steers Spencer away from the group he can feel excitement growing in him. They’d gone months before without doing anything but he was starting to get worried. Gideon gags him with his own tie growling about how he’s such a filthy slut maybe he should let the whole team hear how well he takes cock. Although his cries had less to do with Gideon’s cock (perfectly adequate but Gideon always prepares him so thoroughly it’s never much of a stretch) and more to do with the way his finders dig into Spencer’s tender and bruised ass.

Afterwards Spencer leaves before he has to deal with what ever is going on in Gideon’s head. Almost everything is closed at this time of night but he finds a late night cafe, orders coffee and indulges in a day old croissant. He finds a nice place to sit down by the ocean and watch the waves. By the time he comes back Gideon is fast asleep and he slips into the other bed unnoticed.

The case is over and Gideon ‘gives him a ride home’. They don’t even make it to the bedroom and this time Gideon marks up his neck, he’s going higher than Spencer thinks he can cover up with his shirt but he doesn’t care. Gideon is never like this, he’s holding Spencer like a prized possession and sucking hickies onto his neck like he’s marking his territory. Spencer revels in it taking everything Gideon has to offer.

Gideon stays, they order takeout and put on a documentary but they only make it ten minuets in before Gideon is pulling Spencer back onto his lap. This time it’s slow, he holds Spencer like he might break apart any moment. He doesn’t kiss Spencer because he’s never kissed Spencer since the first time they tried and Spencer said he didn’t like it. Spencer leans in and Gideon turns his head away.

He’s wise enough to put on a scarf before work but it’s hot in the BAU and for a moment he forgets unwinding the scarf. Morgan’s sharp eyes catch on his neck and before he can react Morgan is popping the top button on his shirt to get a better look. Morgan better appreciate that he’s the only person Spencer would allow do this.

“You like them wild Reid?” Morgan quirks an eyebrow and laughs when Spencer starts to blush. “Aw come on I’m just teasing, I didn’t even know you had anyone, what’s her name?”

Spencer thinks this can’t get any worse and then Agent Hotchner enters the room.

He looks shocked, then a little sad, then his face settles on angry.

On the way to the plane he works up the guts to pull Hotchner aside. He doesn’t know what he wants to say, the words ‘I’m sorry’ just hang there but that’s not right. Hotchner has a wife so he can’t really go saying anything about Reid’s conduct outside of the BAU.

Hotchner says it’s okay in that same stern yet soft voice he uses when talking to victims families. He says he understands and Spencer wants to laugh and say of course he does he’s in someone else’s bed every night, Spencer is just the side piece.

“We’ll talk later but you have nothing to fear, I’m not angry with you Spencer.”

It’s a lie. 

And he doesn’t want to talk about this. Gideon’s back to pretending like they’ve never be anything more than student and teacher and Morgan is throwing him knowing looks and infuriating winks. He sticks close to JJ avoiding the rest of the team as much as he can. Her presence is calming, she’s straight forward and lets him use her as a sounding board for the case. Secretly he thinks she’d make a good profiler but they need her more as the media lesion. Spencer is in awe of what she does, he could never handle people the way she does, he hates dealing with the families. But he can do it when she’s sitting in on the interview. Together they make a pretty good team, she calms and coxes the families while Spencer watches only interjecting to help steer things in the right direction.

Hotchner compliments them both in front of the rest of the team and a whole precinct of cops. Spencer feels pride welling up in him. He almost follows Hotchner back to his room that night but then he remembers the angry look and the ‘we'll talk about this latter’ and he bunks with JJ for the night. Unlike Morgan or Elle or Gideon she doesn’t know something’s off about him, she doesn’t ask awkward questions but she insists on picking the documentary that night. It’s about sea turtles and Spencer already knows everything they say but the camera work is nice, JJ enjoys it and she even laughs at a few of his jokes.

He keeps expecting Hotchner to bring it up but when he doesn’t … Spencer wants to feel relieved but …

Hotchner apologies again putting the belt away. His heart just isn’t in it tonight they can both see that. Spencer can’t stand that look of guarded hurt on his face. He doesn’t know why Hotchner is suddenly incapable of giving him what he wants. Maybe they should have had that talk but what would Hotchner think about Gideon? He doesn’t want to give this up so he keeps his mouth shut.

He tells himself it will be okay, this will pass, Hotchner will get over himself and go back to being every thing Spencer needs. And if not it’s not like this even means anything to either of them. No one has to get hurt here, if this doesn’t work out it’s not like it really was anything to begin with. He can go back to Gideon, he doesn’t need to wake up in someone’s strong arms having not slept all night because Hotchner snores like a freight train.

“At least let me buy you dinner, we don’t have to go out I know Ricky’s is still open and I’m sure they’ll deliver for their favorite customer.”

Late night subs with a side of Mac and cheese that’s more cheese than Mac is a very very guilty pleasure of his and fuck it if now isn’t the time for comfort food. Hotchner orders getting everything just right, he even remembers about the extra pickles not that Spencer thinks Ricky would ever get his order wrong. He’s really only had one thing on the menu because it’s just that good but Ricky never complains.

He doesn’t know when Hotchner learned all this about him. He remembers going on a long rant about the best take out places in his area once but he really didn’t think the man was listening let alone taking note of his order.

He wonders why Hotchner doesn’t want to go home yet but he does’t ask. He even lets Spencer pick the movies.

Spencer pulls up the most obscure thing he can think of on theoretical physics but Hotchner just goes along with it, he seems perfectly happy as long as Spencer in his lap. He even asks a few questions and appears to be trying to keep up with it all rather than just tuning it out. Spencer starts in slowly, just answering the questions but soon they have the movie paused and Spencer is rambling on about the latest discovers.

And Hotch is just looking at him like he’s the center of the universe.


	4. Anniversary

It’s the one year anniversary of Spencer dragging Hotch into a hotel room and Hotch giving him everything he’s ever needed. He know that Hotch doesn’t know, it feels like his own little secret, but he’s planing a small celebration tonight. He’s got the belt in his go bag in case they get called out on a case.

When he hears about the divorce all the wind goes out of his sails. He thinks now he fully understands what Gideon feels when he gets that guilty look on his face like he knows he’s ruining something but he can’t stop. Spencer desperately tries to catch Hotch’s eye but the man isn’t looking at anyone. He curses Elle for being crass enough to ask about the missing ring. He curses Morgan for offering to help move. He curses Gideon for insisting on it.

It would be weird if he doesn’t show up to this little ‘team building exercise’ but he knows it’s going to be a train wreck before it even begins. Hotch’s wife isn’t there, thank the fucking gods, but really what did any of them expect? You invite a bunch of profilers into your mess of a life and what do you get?

He can’t believe Hotchner went along with this. In fact he’s pissed as hell with the man because now he has to stand here and watch as his life falls apart and he doesn’t flatter himself to think this is all or even mostly about him but fuck -

At least he has the excuse of skinny arms so he doesn’t have to lift any of the merger amount of furniture.

It’s the first time he’s had to really face that Hotchner has a whole life outside of him, the team, the BAU, and his bed. Here in this house he can’t get away from that life, happy family photos are staring him in the face at every corner. Toys are neatly packed away in crates and there’s a whole line of toddler’s shoes at the door. He has a son. Spencer always knew about this, Hotchner even talks about Jack quite often but it’s never … he’s never had to see it.

He wants to run up to Hotchner and demand to know what he was thinking messing this all up over something as stupid as sex. He has a kid, and sure kids can be raised just as well by one parent but Spencer can’t stand the thought that he might be even slightly responsible for taking a kid’s dad away. He wants to pick the man up by his immaculately pressed suit and shake some sense into him. He wants to run out the door and forget this day ever existed.

And then he sees Hotchner standing there adrift in the chaos looking lost and alone. That’s the moment Spencer Reid realizes what they have is something different than he’s never known.

That’s the moment Spencer Reid realizes he isn’t just falling he’s already fallen madly, horrible, inexplicable-

When he found Gideon he thought that was it, it’s never been easy and it never will but but Gideon was always enough. He didn’t need anything more than Gideon and his brain and his mom and his team. That was it, Gideon couldn’t give him anything more than this strained half-mentor half-lover complicated mess of a life but it was enough.

Until he met Aaron Hotchner.

He wants to wrap the man up in a hug even though Spencer Reid does NOT do hugs. He wants to make everyone else leave so he can have Hotch to himself. He wants to put the moving boxes down and tell Hotch he can have his life back. He’s given Spencer so much already, he’s given him a lifetime of affection and sleepy mornings and midnight takeout. Spencer will be okay without him. That’s a lie, but he’d give this all up right now to take away the look of despair Aaron has on his face.

When everything’s packed up it’s blatantly clear to everyone now that this was a horrible horrible idea. Hotch is jumpy and guarded watching them all as they desperately try not to profile him. Spencer know’s he’s seen too much tonight and he’s sure everyone else feels the same. He’s seen the trophies and awards not for sports but for academics, he’s seen the secret leather jacket, he’s seen the way Hotch can hardly bare to leave behind Jack’s toys. He slips one in a moving box it was too old and shoved in the back of the closet so he knows jack doesn’t play with it anymore.

Spencer elects to ride with Hotchner because he feels like the man shouldn’t be alone right now. But the silence is so oppressive and dark he just starts talking and once he’s talking his can’t stop. Even as they reach their destination, even as they are all struggling to moves the boxes up the stairs (curse you broken elevator). But then he looks over at Hotchner who just looks at him with such gratitude. He realizes that every time one of the team came up to try and say something he’d been there prattling on about one thing or the other. So he doubles down. It’s hard physical work keeping pace with Hotch, he’s sweating in places he didn’t know he sweated and his arms ache and his legs feel like jelly but it’s worth it for the small tight smile Hotch gives him as a form of thanks.

After the last box is finally put away Spencer is the one to suggest dinner and because he’s never the one to volunteer for social engagements Morgan, JJ, and Elle follow him reluctantly. Gideon looks for a moment like he’s going to stay behind to talk to Hotch and Hotch looks like he’d rather jump out the fifth story window than hear what Gideon has to say.

“Come on Gideon, you’re buying this time.” He places a hand on Gideon’s arm and that startles the man enough to usher him out the door. Spencer takes on last look at Hotch standing stranded in the living room before he shuts the door. It’s not like this is the last time he’ll see him but …

It should be the last time he sees him outside of work. Maybe Hotchner’s marriage really is over and ending things with Spencer won’t do any good but he has to give Hotch the space to decide that himself. He wonders if there’s others, he’s always wondered but as far as he can tell there isn’t. He considered asking Garcia to discreetly look into his credit card activity but that’s low even for him.

Sitting in the booth crammed in with everyone else it starts to hit him, he feels like a piece of his heart’s just been ripped out. There’s this deep ache every time he thinks what it felt like to be in Hotch’s arms, what his hands felt like against his skin as he cleaned him up, that time Hoch had dared to come into the shower with him, the soft kisses before he leaves. Spencer hates his phone and he hates texting even more but he pulls it out. He doesn’t know what to say to Hotch be he knows he can’t say it to his face. Maybe something like ‘I understand, do what you got to do, I’ll be here if you ever-‘ god he sounds so desperate.

Three little dots appear on the screen indicating Hotch is typing and Spencer’s heart jumps into his throat. Morgan shoulders him.

“Reid are you even paying attention?”

“No sorry, what were you saying?”

“We’re discussing Hotch.” JJ pitches in and Spencer represses and wince.

“We promised not to profile each other.” He’s getting defensive but Hotch isn’t here to defend himself so someone has to.

“5 bucks says he wins her back in a week.” Elle actually slaps the money down on the table.

“10 says it takes a month.” Morgan pitches in.

“Guys I think it’s a little much to be betting on our bosses love life.” JJ chides them and Spencer thinks how much he likes her.

“It’s over between them.” Gideon finally speaks. Everyone turns to him.

“Come on man, you saw the pictures, they’ve been together since high school. And you know Hotch, he’s a family man through and through.” Morgan is still smiling like this isn’t a huge life altering event and Spencer feels the urge to scream bubbling in his chest. It hurts keeping this from the team, especial Morgan. But he doesn’t even know Spencer is gay and he’s just not ready to have that conversation even though he’s sure it won’t change anything between them. Just the thought that it might is enough to make him want to throw up.

“Plus there’s the kid, plenty of people stay together just for the kid.” Elle throws in.

“I’m telling you it’s over.” Gideon insists not even bothering to look up from his menu.

“What makes you think that?” Morgan leans in ready for one of Gideon’s great deductions.

“When you get as old as me you can just tell when something’s broken beyond repair.” He looks straight at Spencer and Spencer thinks there’s no way he could know.

Then again he is the best profiler.

Then again he could be talking about him and Spencer.

Spencer looks down at his phone and Hotch has stopped typing. Fuck it, he fucks up everything and always makes the wrong choice but he needs to see Hotch. Spencer doesn’t even make up a convincing lie, he just hightails it out of the restaurant, over three blocks, and up five flights of stairs. He’s knocking on Hotch’s door before he can talk himself out of it.

Hotch opens the door and looks at him with such open want that Spencer forgets everything about letting him grieve his failed marriage.

That night he’s the one who holds Hotch, he’s never seen a man as strong as Hotchner cry before but he doesn’t think any less of him for it. He can’t believe he’s the one Hotch wants right now holding him but he’ll be what ever the man needs for as long as he’ll have him. Spencer doesn’t plan to sleep much but he’s so fucked out he drifts off just as Hotch starts snoring.

It turns out the team has two days off for Hotch to deal with his personal life. In the morning Spencer expects he’ll want to get to unpacking the apartment (or at least buying a bed) but Hotch just drags him back into the nest of blankest they’d slept on the floor with.

“Stay.” He says quietly. And Spencer does.

They rouse themself again at noon when Spencer growling belly finally demands it. Hotch takes him back to the restaurant he’d taken the team to and they find a little two person booth in the back. Spencer orders pancakes with more toppings than is technically allowed but the waitress just smiles at him and innocently asks,

“Celebrating something dears?”

“Our anniversary, although it was yesterday we’re just getting around to it.” Hotch replies before Spencer can say anything. She takes Hotch’s order while Spencer just stares at him dumbfounded. When she leaves Hotch turns to him and the look on Spencer’s face makes him frown.

“I’m sorry, was that too much?” He’s cautious again like he always is when the topics like this come up. Hotch keeps his cards close to his chest and Spencer hates not knowing what he’s thinking but he can’t bring himself to ask. What are we? He doesn’t think he can handle the answer. But it seems like part of the answer is they are something worthy of an anniversary and that’s enough, that’s so much more than he’d ever though he’d have.

“I didn’t know you kept track” He manages to choke out.

They both leave it at that. Hotch teases him about all the sugar giving him a tooth ache but Spencer feels a small victory when Hotch starts stealing bites off his plate.

They are stuffed full but he can tell Hotch does’t want to go back to the apartment yet.

“You need a bed.” Spencer finally says and Hotch smiles at him in a way that makes him blush all the way down to his toes.

They’re staring at a king sized mattress that boasts that it’s like sleeping on a cloud. Spencer gives a quick look around before deciding to give it a test. He flops down instantly enveloped in a soft cushion that’s still firm enough to not feel like he’s going to sink through to the floor. He sighs and closes his eyes. He can feel Hocth lay down next to him. He keeps his eyes closed as his hand inches over till it brushes against Hotch’s. It’s maybe the bravest thing he’s ever done and that includes staring down an unsub with a gun and a fetish for strangling men who look just like Spencer. He takes Hotch’s hand and intwine their fingers. Hotch gives him a gentle squeeze and Spencer squeezes back.

Aaron only lets go of his hand to do necessary tasks the rest of the day like paying for mattress or opening doors for Spencer. Then he goes back to linking their fingers together loosely as they argue over if the new dish clothes will clash with the curtains.


	5. I Wish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Spencer's addiction dealt with in this chapter

He'd thought he was well past wishing things hadn't happened to him, it's no use spending time and emotional energy wishing things were different than they are.

He can't go back in time and force his father to love him enough to stay.

He can't wish away his mother's mental illness.

He can't wave a wand and erase Gideon's guilt.

But ever day he wakes up and wishes he'd been sick and never gone on the case. He wishes he'd never gone to the ranch. He wishes Tobias Hankel's father had chosen to abandon his son rather than raise him the way he did. When he wakes to Hotch's screams after another nightmare, when he flinches at Hotch's touch, when he desperately grasps at the bottle in the bottom of his work bag just to make it all okay for a second, in those darkest moment's he wishes it had been JJ instead of him. The fact that something so selfish and horrible is even able to manifest in his mind drives him deep into a pit of self hatred with only Dilaudid as a lifeline.

He wishes, he wishes, he wishes, and it's only in the moments after the drugs enters his system that he can stop wishing. It helps him move past everything and get the job done. It helps him relax and not start screaming anytime some touches him. It helps him get a few hours of dreamless sleep.

He tells Hotchner all of this when he gets dragged to his office late at night and the man, his boss, tells him he has to stop using. Hotchner just stands there, he takes it all in, even as Spencer screams at him and tears start to race down his cheeks. He stands there and takes it until Spencer is all shouted out. Then he holds Spencer till there are no more tears to cry.

Spencer hands over the bottles he has in his bag and asks to stay at Hotchner's apartment for a week of sick leave.

Putting the pieces of his life back together feels like the most painstakingly horrible thing he's ever had to do. He can't logic his way out of nightmares, and PTSD, and drug addiction. There is no puzzle to solve, in his week of sick leave he's read everything there is out there on these three subjects. But for once he’s not alone.

He has his sponsor, a women in her fifties names Ann with three kids, she has a brilliant smile that feels like a warm safety blanket enveloping him.

He has the team, Morgan bullies him into going to baseball game and it’s not as bad and he thought it would be, JJ takes him out to the movies.

He has a therapist who helps him untangle the web of emotions around the events of the past couple of months, she thinks he should tell Agent Hotchner all the things he tells her about him but in the back of his mind a voice is just screaming 'not yet, not yet, you'll mess everything up'. 

And he has Aaron.

Aaron who never judges and is always there to listen even when he starts going off on the benefits of Dilaudid. He just listens, then holds Spencer as he breaks down and cries. He tells Spencer he's strong and somehow it makes him want to be strong.

Aaron who kisses him gently and tells him he's beautiful. He looks at Spencer with such naked desire for once in his life he believes those words. His lips ghost over his skin never lingering or avoiding the scars. He lets Hotchner mark him up, bellow the collar, and sometimes on cases he'll text Hotchner a picture of the healing bruises just to watch him try not to blush.

Aaron who wakes up screaming in the night because he didn't make it in time to save Spencer in his dream. Hotchner avoids having him got out to suspects houses, instead keeping him safe inside the police departments under his own watchful eye. Spencer wants to insist that he's just as capable as anyone else on the team but he can't stand the worried look on Aaron's face.

Gideon pulls him towards a hotel room and because he doesn't think he can take another night Aaron treating him like he's made of glass he follows. He's been pretending Spencer is just another member of the team, totally capable of handling himself and Spencer is so grateful for it. Gideon has always treated him like an adult, he's always been the one to stand up to others and insist they respect Spencer. He's the only member of the team who doesn't get that worried look on his face any time Spencer goes out in the field. And for once Gideon is the only one willing to treat him as harshly has he needs.

He's ordered to strip and when he doesn't do so fast enough Gideon yanks his clothes off himself. He's pushed to his knees banging them painfully on the thinly carpeted floor of the hotel room. Gideon's cock is down his throat and he's choking and spitting and crying and Gideon just keeps going.

That night it doesn't feel so hopeless between them. They trade theories about the case as Spencer rubs some anti-biotic into the rug burn on his knees. He's dressed only in a bathrobe and Gideon's down to just his pants. When he goes to shower Gideon follows, Spencer comes under the hot spray of water as Gideon's fingers work miracles on his body. At the end of the night Gideon lets him crawl into bed with him. He doesn't hold Spencer and Spencer doesn't ask to be held.

But in the morning is worse than ever. He wakes up to an empty bed and Gideon won't even meet his eyes over the breakfast table, instead he talks to Elle. JJ and Morgan are fighting over a piece of toast and Hotchner has his head in the case file. No one notices when Spencer slips out without eating a bite. He walks all the way to the other side of town fingering the cash in his wallet. He calls Ann and she talks to him as he walks all the way back to the hotel empty handed. 

He's standing at the door to Hotchner's apartment, the doorman had waved him through recognizing him and he'd gotten all the way to Hotch's room before realizing he doesn't have the key and Hotch was still in his office when Spencer left. He could call him. He could go back to his place. He could take the late train to Gideon's.

Instead he sits down cross legged outside the apartment and pulls out a book he's already finished and starts it again.

"Spencer?"

Hotchner is standing in front of him with a puzzled look on his face and suddenly waiting for him to come home like a love sick puppy seems like such a desperate and pathetic move Spencer wants to run away and hide. He doesn't want to mention the key because if he asks Hotch for a key they'll end up having that conversation and if they end up having that conversation ... what will Hotch think of Gideon? Will he be disappointed, will he finally see Spencer for the broken kid he is deep down inside? Would Hotch still want him?

"I didn't want to go back to my place." It's not a lie but he feels bad the way it automatically shuts Hotch up, he probably thinks Spencer is having one of those days where he can't trust himself to be on his own. He'll let Hotch keep thinking that if he doesn't ask questions and just lets him stay the night.

Spencer says he doesn't want to do anything more than sleep and Hotch allows it. He tells Spencer he hasn't had a single nightmare for a month now and it feels like an arrow through his chest realizing he hasn't slept in Hotch's arms in over a month. He's been with Gideon every time the man will allow it, and he's crashed at JJ's place and spent a few weekends hanging out with Morgan but he hasn't seen Hotch outside of work for a while. He didn't realize he was avoiding Hotch.

Spencer starts to make a point of staying late at the BAU and strategically wait for Aaron to finish before discreetly following him out. He even grabs Hotch's car keys and passes out in the back seat a few times when he's too exhausted to work. Spencer keeps telling himself he's fine like this, he doesn't need anything more than Hotch is willing to give him. He tries not to take up space in Hotch's apartment but his bookshelves are so barren and Spencer's read everything he has so he begins leaving a few favorites for those nights when he can't sleep. He's an expert at living out of his go bag but occasionally he finds he left his good sweater vest at Hotch's or he discovers a pair of black socks that definitely aren't his in the wash. It feels like everything has to come to a head at some point, they can't just keep creeping further and further into each other's lives without saying anything.

When Aaron slips a spare apartment key into his beg Spencer can feel his heart rate skyrocket and the words 'I love you' rise up his throat like stomach acid.

Gideon is waiting for him one night as he makes his way to Aaron's car intending on getting some sleep so he can jump into bed with Aaron for some non-sleep activities the moment they get home. Gideon smiles at him in that way that means he'll be bruised and sore in the morning. He turns and doesn't even look back to make sure Spencer follows him, he just assumes he will. Gideon has one leg in his own car before he turns around looking for Spencer. Spencer stands still watching Gideon and Gideon stares back at him for a long moment. Spencer holds his breath waiting for Gideon to say something. He’s never not followed Gideon home when they man has asked him. Gideon gets in his car, slams the door, starts the engine, and drives away without sparring Spencer so much as a glance in his rearview mirror.

It feels like a goodby, and a fuck you, and a break up all rolled into one. Tears start to fall and for the first time in his life Spencer wishes he’d never met Jason Gideon.


	6. The Talk

If he’s finally going to man up about this and talk to someone it should be Gideon. Out of respect for everything they’ve had together, the good and the bad, it should be Gideon first. Gideon should be the one who gets to ask him to stop seeing Hotchner or allows this to continue. Gideon should be the one to either reassure him that they don’t need to talk about this or upend both their lives by trying to define what they are. Gideon should be the one who gets to laugh at how pathetic it is that he fell for his boss, again. 

But he follows Aaron home that night.

And it has to be tonight Spencer tells himself, he can’t let himself wriggle out of this again and again and again like he’s been doing for the past … like he’s been doing ever since he met Agent Hotchner.

He’s standing by his desk at the BAU waiting to see if Hotch is going to finish up soon or if he should go home and wait for him. Gideon passes him and Spencer keeps his eyes trained on his paperwork. Gideon keeps walking. He waits for Aaron and follows him home.

Words stick in his throat and he can’t quite manage to vomit them out yet. Hotchner cooks them dinner and Spencer doesn’t want to ruin this nice moment. There aren’t candle or anything romantic like that but it’s a home cooked meal on Hotchner’s one set of nice plates and he can’t have any idea of what Spencer plans tonight. The food is probably delicious but he chews and swallows without registering the taste.

When Hotchner gathers the plates and dumps them in the sink Spencer know’s its time, before Aaron coaxes him to bed or showers him in kisses and makes him forget everything. He needs to get this out there but for all his worry and for all the days he’s spent thinking about this he doesn’t know where to start.

‘I love you.’ But they aren’t even dating yet.

‘I want to date you.’ But what if that’s not what Hotch wants?

‘I’ve been sleeping with Gideon since I met him.’ It’s a start, it’s honesty, it’s something he should have said so so so very long ago.

“Lets just sleep tonight, I’m way out of it but I promise we can have some fun in the morning.” Aaron smiles at him, it’s so horrible domestic and Spencer lets himself be lead to bed.

It’s 2am and Aaron’s snoring wakes him up. No that’s a lie he hasn’t been asleep only pretending for Aaron’s sake but the snoring is so bad he can’t even pretend anymore.

It’s 3am and he can’t focus on a single word on the page of his book.

It’s 4am and he’s about ready to buy a fake passport and book a plane to Sweden and never come back rather than have this conversation.

It’s 5am and the words ‘I’ve been sleeping with Gideon since I met him’ are like a mantra in the back of his head and if he doesn’t get them out now he will take this to the grave.

“I think we should talk about this” The words are out of his mouth before he realizes he’s standing next to Aaron’s bed and it’s 5am and the man definitely wasn’t awake till just now.

Hotchner blinks at him and then gives a small laugh and motions for him to come back to bed. He didn’t think it would go like this, to be rejected so soon. They aren’t anything worth talking about.

"If we were going to talk about this is seems a little late now.” But Aaron sits up and turns on the bedside lap. He scrubs a hand over his face and yawns and Spencer is mentally calculating how fast he could book that last minute plane ticket and if he’s smart enough to make sure Agent Hotchner never finds him. But Aaron’s hand is firm on his arm as he guides Spencer down to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Okay, I’m giving you permission to ask me anything even if it would seem out of bounds as either your boss or your …. what ever we are.” Aaron looks at him totally serious and Spencer wants to fling his arms around him and hug him close. He’ll let Spencer talk about this, they are something worth talking about!

“I’ve been sleeping with Gideon since I met him.”

He has to stop himself from clamping a hand over his mouth as it’s just the first thing that slipped out and somehow in the last few hours he hadn’t come up with something better than that. His whole body goes tense as Hotchner doesn’t say something right away. Even in the low light he can make Hotch’s face out enough to read him but the man has his stone wall facade up and Spencer can’t tell if he’s angry or sad or angry, god it’s probably angry.

“Well that … explains a lot.” He clears his throat. “I just mean … I’ve known there’s someone else and I’ve always wondered why two were so … close.”

It isn’t natural what he and Gideon have, it’s so fucked up. It’s so beyond fucked up. And now Hotchner knows he’s not the first authority figure Spencer had latched himself on to, had let himself be taken advantage of by.

“It’s not a bad thing Spence. I told you I’m not mad.”

He’d started calling him Spence a few weeks ago and every time he says it Spencer melts a little even though he’s never called Aaron anything but Hotchner out loud.

“Even though I didn’t tell you?” Spencer studies his face closely, Aaron doesn’t seem like he’s lying but he has to be right?

“We’ve never really talked about this stuff.” The man shrugs like it’s not all Spencer’s fault, like he’s not angry at Spencer. Like … like he doesn’t care?

“Do you want to know about it?”

“Only if you want to tell me.” The reply is quick and that usually means Aaron is lying. “I don’t need details, I don’t mind if you want to provide them, but for my own sanity I’d like to know roughly when it happens.” He amends and it feels more like the truth.

“Is there someone else for you?” Spencer lets another thing slip out before he’s ready. But he has to know.

“No. Would you be okay if there was?”

And there it is, the question his most afraid of second only to asking if Aaron is okay with him seeing Gideon. He’s not, it’s the gut reaction but he keeps it inside. He’s thought many times about how one night he might come knocking only to find Hotch has someone else in his bed. It’s totally unfair the way that thought makes him angry when Hotch has know for sure he’s been fucking someone else, and it could be multiple someones for all Hotch knows, and never asked him about it.

It’s not cheating if they never talked about it and Spencer doesn’t have a single leg to stand on after how many times he’s ended up in Gideon’s bed. He has no right, no right at all to ask this of Hotch when he’s not even sure himself if he can do the same. He’ll say it’s okay, he can let Hotchner fuck who ever - No.

“No.” Spencer says it intentionally this time but he can’t bring himself to say it very loud. For a moment he thinks Hotchner is going to make him repeat himself.

“Okay.” Aaron says and places a hand over Spencer’s.

Okay. Okay. And just like that … Aaron is his.

“Do I have to stop seeing Gideon?” He has to force it out now or he’ll never say it.

“I don’t know, I think it should be up for discussion. Do you feel like you … need him?”

Spencer wants to laugh because Hotch’s answer is just so Hotch. It’s open, honest, willing to compromise, wanting to asses the situation before making a call. It’s everything Spencer never thought it would be. And he’s shaking his head no because he’s not quite ready to say it yet but everything in him is screaming no! No he doesn’t need Gideon, not if he can have Aaron.

“He wasn’t my first but it’s been going on for so long-” His words come out in a rush “-we only ever did it when one of us really needed it. I never … he never let me stay the night. I think he’s ashamed of it. I never felt that way but I could never let him get close. Not like this.” It’s all wrong and he’s not making any sense. He’s never had to explain this horrible mess to anyone before, not even himself.

“Would you stop seeing him if I asked?”

“Yes.” Spencer doesn’t even have to think about it before answering. “Are you asking?” He hopes he doesn’t sound as desperate and hopeful as he feels. He needs the answer to be yes.

“Yes.”


	7. You Have To Let Me Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gideon and Spencer finally talk things out.

Luckily they have the weekend off so Spencer can make good on the promise to talk to Gideon. He texts Gideon that morning at 6:30am asking to meet up at a cafe on neutral territory. Spencer is surprised when Gideon instantly texts back.

He doesn't let himself think too hard about the impending date with Gideon, he lets Aaron wrap his arms around him and just sinks in this moment.

Spencer fidgets with his cup of hot coco, he wouldn't let himself get coffee because he needs to be calm about this. He's never had to break up with someone before and again he doesn't even know where to start. He'd decided he doesn't want to tell Gideon who it is right way because he's not ready to tell the rest of the team either. This is all just so new and despite everything last night ... Spencer still can't quite believe Aaron Hotchner wants to be something with him.

All too soon Gideon is taking the seat opposite him with coffee and a dessert with two spoons. They've done this kind of thing on a case before, Gideon knows Spencer has a sweet tooth and Spencer knows Gideon won't feel guilty about eating something bad for his diet with Spencer is eating too. Gideon is all smiles, completely relaxed. He should be nervous. It can't have escaped his notice that they've never done anything like this before. Spencer had expected questions and anger and ... just anything but this.

"I'm glad we're doing this." Gideon reaches out and covers Spencer's hand giving it a squeeze. "I know things haven't been the best between us lately."

Lately? Gideon has been avoided him every since Spencer didn't follow him home that night

"I've been childish, I can't expect you to just come to me when ever I want a stay away when I'm having a difficult time." Gideon's voice is soft in a way he's never heard it before. He's still holding Spencer's hand and Spencer can't bring himself to look up. Any words he had are stuck in his throat and he doesn't know how to make Gideon stop before he says something like -

"I know you want more form me Spencer and I'm so so sorry I haven't been able to give that to you, but I'm ready now. What ever you want us to be, what ever you need me to be for you, Spencer I-"

"I'm seeing someone else." He spits out because he can't let Gideon finish that sentence. It feels like someone just dumped a bucked of ice on the conversation. Gideon’s grips his hand tighter as Spencer tries to pull away. Spencer's breathing is starting to come fast and he can feel panic welling up in him.

"We can talk about that." Gideon's voice is still soft but there's an edge to it now.

"I don't want to talk about it." Spencer shakes his head giving a weak little tug trying to dislodge his hand from Gideon's vice like grip. "We can't do this anymore."

"Don't be ridiculous." Gideon snorts but when Spencer doesn't reply Gideon goes still. Spencer looks up and Gideon is staring at him shocked. It's finally enough that when Spencer tugs his hand away Gideon lets him go. "How long?"

"One year, nine months, and sixteen days." It comes out automatically, he could chalk it up to just being good with number but Spencer knows for himself that he's been counting. He's known Gideon for four years, three months, and six days. He's been fucking Gideon for four years, three months, and five days.

"You never said anything."

"You never asked.”

“Who?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Don’t be a fucking child about this Spencer.” Gideon sneers and it stings because of everyone in his life Gideon’s never seen him as a child. "I know you've been with other people do you really think that little of my skills as a profiler."

"Yes because apparently you missed the fact where I fell in love with someone else!" Spencer spits it out like he'd swallowed poison but the second it's there he wishes he could take it all back.

Gideon doesn't say a word, he just stands and walks away.

Strife between him and Gideon is nothing new. After their first time together Gideon wouldn't speak to him, he'd finally broken down and asked someone for Gideon's number, after seven voicemails Gideon blocked Spencer's number. At the time he'd though that would be it but it just turned out to be a sign of things to come. Gideon had returned to his college only a month later and started renting a room for Spencer so they could fuck without worry of his roommates walking in.

Gideon took him roughly in a bathroom stall during a conference they were both attending because Spencer had been flirting with someone else and he needed reminding that only Gideon knows how to fuck him well. He'd come bounding up to Gideon on the second day of the conference and the man pretended like he didn't even exist.

When Spencer joined the BAU he was so happy for so many reasons but even he had to admit to himself top of the chart was working with Gideon, being by his side for hours on end, having the very convenient excuse that he didn't drive to slip into Gideon's car and ask for 'a ride home'. The first chance they got Spencer tried to pull Gideon aside to tell him how he'd prepared himself that morning and was all ready for Gideon to have him after work but Gideon had gotten so angry he'd sent Spencer running away in tears.

So Gideon ignoring him, Gideon treating him like any other member of the team, Gideon reusing to be alone with him, it was all old hat for them. And yes, he also had to admit it stung worse this time, so so so much worse knowing there wasn't a rebound just around the corner.

But there was so much relief in that, it was over, the waiting, the guilt, the hiding. It was all done with now. No more crying alone in his room holding himself as he shook so bad he was afraid he'd die from the way his heart broke.

Because he had Aaron. He had late nights falling sleep on the man’s lap while he watches some sports game with the volume turned down. He has strong hands holding him together when he feels like everything is falling apart. He can talk to Aaron about his mother and even though it sparks up a jealously in Spencer he didn’t know he was capable of Aaron can talk to him about his ex-wife. Aaron is tender morning kisses with fingers digging to his bruised ass just to make sure Spencer won’t be able to forget him for a second all day.

And it would all be okay if Aaron Hotchner would just be okay but Spencer can see how hard he's struggling with it all. Keeping it from the team, watching Gideon and knowing he doesn't know. Unsteady is never a word he thought he’d use to describe his unite chief but he knows the rest of the team can see it too.

"When?" Aaron asks, they're still in their position on the couch even though the movie was over a while back. Spencer has his head in Aaron's lap and he looks up at the man's serious face. "When do we tell the rest of the team?”

"I want to give Gideon some time with this before he ... before he knows it's you."

Aaron nods but he can feel from the way his body is tense beneath his head there's a lot going unsaid.

"You don't think Strauss will fire either of us do you?"

"Don't worry about it." Aaron gives him a tight smile but his gaze is still far off thinking about something. Spencer sighs and moves to get up intending on a midnight snack.

"Stay." Aaron pulls him back down and Spencer does even though Aaron's silence makes him more nervous than he's ever been.

The fact that he has to hear from JJ of all people that Gideon's requested some time off and not Gideon or Aaron himself hurts and it finally wakes Spencer up to the fact that this just can't go on. He's going to loose one or even both of these men.

“I don’t know what’s been going on between you two and I’m not going to ask.” JJ puts a hand on his shoulder “I’m here for you Spence if you need it”. When he doesn’t flinch away she pulls him into a loose hug. Spencer lets his head drop onto her shoulder.

“Thank you.”

Spencer Reid hates cars, more specifically he hates being the one driving them. So when he asks Aaron to borrow his car and tells him he's going to see Gideon, with his permission, Aaron allows it with just a mute nod. There's more talk to about here, so much more fix between them, what ever they are. They've had that one conversation but there are so many other things left hanging in the air. They haven't talked about what they are, the word boyfriend remains unspoken, the word love hangs over Spencer like the sword of Damocles. Aaron hasn't introduced him to Jack as his boyfriend yet, they haven't even spoken about it. Every weekend Aaron spends with his son is one Spencer spends alone, an unspoken agreement.

But he owes Gideon this first, to put this to bed once and for all.

Spencer Reid hates driving. He hates having accident statistics running around in his head. He hates not knowing what the other drivers around him are going to do. He hates that one small mistake could end his life or that of someone else's.

So when he pulls up to Gideon's cabin despite how angry the man looks he lets Spencer in.

They settle on the couches in Gideon's living room but Gideon doesn't offer him anything.

"We should talk." Spencer starts mouth feeling dry now that he's sitting in front of his mentor, his lover, his ... Gideon.

"Talk." The man waves dismissively at him. Spencer wants to laugh, he looks like a pouting child who isn't getting his way but he knows that is just a front. He can see it in Gideon's eyes there's anger and hope; sometime in the past weeks he's probably been able to convince himself that Spencer will come back. But there's a profound sadness under all that, one that Spencer feels as well.

"For a long time I blamed you for what happened between us."

"Yes, I was the adult, I've always admitted that Spencer."

"You blame me for being the one to say I love you."

It had been only a year into knowing each other and Spencer had desperately hopped the confession would change things, it didn't. Gideon sighs and scrubs a hand across his face.

"Spencer you don't have to do this, it's done, just let it rest."

"I know you loved me Gideon and I know you could never say it."

"You wouldn't let me god damnit!" He finally burst out. "I've been ready to say it for years but each time I get close you push me away. When you texted me to meet you that cafe I thought after all this time you'd let me say it but-" He stands up starting to pace around the room. “I get it, you’re angry with me. You deserve a lot more than me Spencer but don’t you think it’s time we put this nonsense behind us. I love, you love me, let’s just … we can be us.”

Spencer stares at him for a long moment. It’s almost everything he’s ever wanted from Gideon, it’s a whole lot more of a definition than he’s got from Aaron right now. He could see just for a moment what it would be like to wake up in Gideon’s bed in the cabin with Gideon’s arms around him and no shamed left between them. Because they were a them, a couple, lovers.

“Jesus.” Gideon sounds exasperated. “Is this because I wouldn't hit you hard enough? How did you expect me to react when you asked me to spank you like a child!”

“I didn’t expect you to refuse to speak to me for a week!” Spencer finally spits back. “You’ve always been more a child in this relationship than I have.”

Gideon laughs at that, it’s a loud bark of a laugh meant to show how little he cares about Spencer’s opinion of him.

“I’m not the one sleeping around and playing games.”

“Sleeping around!?” Spencer stands now. “Do you really think I’d throw all of this away just to sleep around.”

“So there’s only one?”

“Yes, there’s only one.”

“And he hits you just as hard as you want?” Gideon spits back.

“Yes! And he holds me afterwards, and he doesn’t run away, and he isn’t ashamed to be with me.” Spencer can feel tears coming like he knew they would. For a long moment Gideon says nothing, he’s isn’t pacing anymore. “It hurts too much Gideon.” He kept his eyes down on the floor. “It hurts too much to love you.”

Gideon leaves the room.

It takes half an hour for Gideon to come back from what ever part of the house he’d sequestered himself in but Spencer waits. He can hear him pacing upstairs but everything goes quiet after a while. Finally Gideon comes back down. He has two steaming mugs of tea and he sits down across from Spencer.

“You love him, who ever this mystery man is.” Gideon hands him is cup. Spencer nods, the words trembling on his lips. “And he’s asked you to stop seeing me.”

“Yes, and I want to.”

“So that’s it.” Gideon sits back. “Why haven’t you brought him around, let him meet the team.” He’s calm, he’s got that look on his face that says he’s trying to profile Spence, Spencer laughs and takes a sip of his tea. “I just mean how can he mean this much to you if he doesn’t know about … well I guess I thought we were all kind of like family to you.”

“It’s Aaron.” Spencer looks Gideon in the eyes when he says it because he wants the man to see the truth of it on his face.

“Oh.”

There’s silence until they’ve both finished their tea. Gideon gathers the cups and sets them aside.

“And he knows about me?” Gideon quirks an eyebrow. Spencer nods. The silence between them is a little less filled with poison now and Spencer can feel his chest untighten. So he finally asks,

“Was there ever anyone else for you?”

“Would it make you feel better if I said there wasn’t?”

“No.”

“There’s never been anyone else, since the moment I laid eyes on you.” Gideon lets it hang there in the air, Spencer acknowledges it but he doesn’t press. “So, Aaron Hotchner.”

“Yes.”

“When did it start?”

“A week after he joined the team. I though-” Spencer breaks off laughing, “well I thought you’d be back as unit chief in less than a month so … I guess you can say I have a type.” He smiles weakly but Gideon doesn’t share in his amusement.

“An he treats you right?”

“Yes Gideon, but I’m not going to tell you about all that.”

“What afraid I’m taking notes?”

Another long silence.

“I need you to let me go Gideon.”

“According to you I never had you in the first place.” Gideon says, Spencer thighs. “I’m sorry, I’m just a bitter old man and you shouldn’t have to put up with this.”

“I’m glad actually, it means I meant something to you.”

“You mean something to me Spencer and you always will. But you’re right, this has all gone on far too long. I’ll be better at work, with you, and with him. I promise.”

“Thank you.”

Spencer leaves Gideon’s place but he doesn’t go home right away. The fact that he thinks of Aaron’s place as home … it’s a whole new feeling and one after everything tonight he’s not prepared for. He could go back to his own apartment but he knows Aaron is waiting for him.

Spencer never had any doubts about this choice, in fact it never felt like a choice at all. He didn’t feel like he was trading one man for another because … well because things were so uncertain with Aaron. But also because he’s known for a long time things with Gideon would have to end some day, it’s probably the healthiest end they’ll ever get. So when comes home and Aaron doesn’t ask him any questions, just holds him tight, well it’s so much more than he could have ever dreamed of.


	8. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I'm going to get this fic finished I promise!

On the rare occasions someone had allowed him to be on top it had never gone particularly well. Gideon would sometimes let Spencer ride him, and even fuck him on even rarer occasions, but there was never any illusion that he was in charge. The few hook ups he'd had usually ended halfway through because he just never had the confidence to make it feel right. He couldn't pull off a commanding voice, he was forever worried he might actually hurt the other person without knowing it, and in almost all cases his partner had been unconvinced he could pull it off just leading to a self fulfilling prophecy.

Aaron and Spencer had talked about him being in control a couple of times, Aaron knew there were occasions where he was so worn out from being the boss all day that he longed for someone else to take the reins. For Spencer the whole concept had been this slow burning ember growing in the back of his mind. It had taken a while, much longer than it probably should have, to fully trust Hotch. When he first knelt in front of the man it wasn't that he trusted Hotch not to hurt him in ways he didn't want to or even to stop if he asked for it, Spencer trusted himself. He trusted that there wasn't anything Hotchner could do that would actually hurt him. If that man crossed a line, if he kept going when Spencer told him to stop, well he wasn't strong enough to fight Hotchner off but he could suffer through what ever it would be and then go running to HR with enough evidence to destroy him. And because he didn't care about Hotchner it wouldn't feel like a betrayal, his name would just go on the long list of ass holes Spencer had survived.

So realizing the kinds of feels he had for the man made everything so so so much more terrifying. Because now Hotch really could hurt him in so so so many ways. But he wouldn't. Spencer could bare himself physically and emotionally and for once in his life he trusted Aaron would never take advantage of that.

And with that revelation came thoughts of Aaron on HIS knees. He trusted that Aaron wouldn't laugh at him if he brought it up. He trusted Aaron would be honest with him about his limits and would tell Spencer before he really hurt him. And when Aaron said the idea interested him he trusted that the man could actually see him in the dominate role.

It was the first time they'd done anything remotely sexual since the Spencer broke up with Gideon. Of course the urge strikes him when they're on a case and appearances be damed he grabs the room on a whole separate floor from the team and drags Hotch off without even saying goodnight to anyone else. He doesn't give Hotch a second to think, the hotel door closes and Spencer is on him. He uses his height to his advantage tilting Aaron's chin up to kiss him harshly, tangling one hand in his hair and yanking his head into the position he wanted him. He expects resistance, or shock, or even annoyance, but Hotch just sags against him as Spencer guides him to his knees.

"Mine." Spencer rasps out a little shocked at how gravely his voice sounds. Aaron melts nuzzling into Spencer's outstretched hand.

"Yours." He wishers back reverently. Hotch scoots himself forward seemingly very interested in the bulge in Spencer pants. Spencer raises an eyebrow watched Aaron hold himself back from fully lunging forward. When they'd talk about this sort of stuff Hotch had told him he'd never suck cock or been fucked before. Experimentally Spencer stroked a finger along Aaron's lips and he was impressed at the way the man just took his fingers in and started sucking without having to be told to. It was intoxicating having Aaron so ready to obey, so ready to please him, not even a hint of trying to control how this was going to go. There was so many things he wanted to do to the man now that he had him like this.

“I’m going use you roughly tonight Aaron.” It sounded like a comment but really it was a question, are you okay with this, can I keep going?

"Yes Sir." Aaron answered, the honorific falling from his lips without the slightest bit of hesitation.

Spencer grinned.

Admittedly the plan had been to take things slow, ease them both into this new arrangement, but all those plans had been dashed in the wake of Spencer’s mounting excitement and Aaron’s unwavering willingness to follow his every command. Spencer checked in him him, probably more often then he really need to but Aaron never showed any resentment for it.

Something things had to be done slowly, the first time he’d parted Aaron’s legs he’d had to work the man open so agonizingly slowly. But it was all so worth it to see the way Aaron came apart underneath him. The second time had maybe been a little over indulgent, fucking Aaron roughly on all fours and Spencer had carefully tended the carpet burns on his lovers knees afterwords.

But laying in bed with Aaron curled up next to him, head on his chest, fast asleep with a dopey smile on his face, Spencer couldn’t bring himself to regret a second of it.

“I’ll tell the team you caught a cold and you’re running a fever.” Spencer gently pushed Aaron back into bed and the man groaned. Morning sun was streaming in the windows and they’d already over slept by an hour but Spencer hadn’t had the heart to move until his phone started going off with texts and calls from the rest of the team.

“I’m fine.” Aaron batted his hands away trying to rise from the bed once more but he couldn’t suppress the small whine as he felt every ache in his body. For the first time worry made its way into Spencer’s mind. Had he gone too far?

“Spencer really I’m fine.” Aaron instead. He scooted closer seeming to read Spencer’s thought. “I wouldn’t change a single thing we did last night.” He grasped Spencer’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

“I should have at least waited to after the case.” Spencer mumbled. Aaron took his face his in hands and forced Spencer to look at him.

“I wouldn’t change a single thing we did last night.”

Thankfully the case the was over and done with by the end of the day. He’d found it difficult to concentrate with Aaron texting him every few hours but he was endlessly thankful for it. Every time Spencer’s mind tried to start worrying about the events of last night Aaron texted him to say how much he’d enjoyed it.

At the end of the day Hotch calls the team to say he’ll make his own way home so he does’t get everyone sick on the plane and Spencer tells them he’s going to stay and see the sights.

The second everything is wrapped up his rushing back to the hotel and back to Hotch’s arms.

The next case comes up a few days later and they are dragged from their little mini honeymoon as Spencer had begun to think of it. He’s feels like he’d floating on cloud nine until he walks into a precinct in Mississippi and Emily states loudly.

“I knew it! You didn’t see any of New York did you?”

He’d forgotten his scarf and there was probably a whole galaxy of hikies on his neck. The teams impressed smiles turned to confusion. He knew in that moment that Aaron had just walked through the door wearing matching love bites. Spencer found in moments like this the world doesn’t stop to allow you to catch up with what’s happening. The train just keeps going and it’s run or be dragged.

There’s a whole conversation happening around him. Emily asking questions, Morgan’s outraged stare, JJ’s silence, Hotch’s calm voice behind him. Gideon says something and everyone starts talking again. He can feel himself inching away and suddenly Morgan is right up in his face with questions and accusations and …

He’s ruined everything, the only good thing he’s ever had in his life, smashed in one careless moment.

In the blink of a eye he’s no longer standing in the precinct, he’s running out the door and towards the rented car Aaron drove them in here. He doesn’t know where he’s going to go but it has to be away and it has to be fast and …

He can’t bring himself to drive so he just curls up in the back of the car clutching Aaron’s go bag.


	9. No Regrets

It feels like a mini-lifetime curled up in the back of the car wishing he was anywhere else but here, wishing he was anyone else but himself, wishing he could take it all back-

No never that, not even for a moment, he could never regret what he and Aaron had. It was the most he’d ever felt wanted by another person. Gideon had wanted him in the way he’d wanted to posses him. He wanted his body, or his mind, or sometimes his company. But Aaron, when Aaron wanted him he wanted all of him. The mess, the insomnia, theranting, everything.

And Spencer wanted Aaron too in a way he’d never … he didn’t know how to describe it except to say that when Aaron steeped into a room it suddenly felt like home.

And what if he’d ruined everything.

The car door opens.

Strong arms wrap around him and pull him into Aaron’s lap.

A hand strokes his mess of hair.

Aaron’s voice whispering soft in his ear.

“I’m sorry.” Spencer chokes out.

“I love you.” Aaron whispers back.

He can feel the man beneath him tense up at the sudden admission. Maybe he hadn’t meant it, maybe it was just a reflex. Maybe Spencer was stupid to do it but …

He clutched Aaron closer to him and whispered back.

“I love you too.”

Aaron lets out a breath so close to his ear it tickles and Spencer laughs. “I love you.” He says again firmer. Spencer twists himself around so he can look Aaron in the eyes. “I love you.” His voice breaks a little at the end but Aaron is staring back at him, unflinching, unafraid.

“I love you too.” Aaron smiles down at him and Spencer can see there’s tears in the corner of his eyes.


	10. Epilogue: Jack

There are good days, even some lucky few when they aren’t out on a case. Days of Spencer reading while curled up in Aaron’s arms. Days where all the clues fall together perfectly. Day where the bad guys are bad and they get put away and the victims thank them with teary eyes. Days when Spencer wakes up early and just watches the rise and fall of Aaron’s chest feeling like for once his mind is still.

And there is not so good day. A case gets under his skin, children how could anyone do that to children, and before he knows it he’s walking down a street looking for a fix. Gideon passes him on the plane, their hand touch, Gideon smiles in that ‘I’m going to fuck you tonight’ way and he feels pulled towards the man, but then he walks away and refuses to look back and see the look on Gideon’s face. Aaron screams himself awake, he shivers and shakes and won’t let Spencer touch him. Aaron gets angry and snaps at everyone on the team and for the first time since high school Spencer wants to die.

And he doesn’t know what kind of day today is going to be.

“Tell me again it’s going to be fine.” Spencer finally pipes up after a full five minuets of silence in the car. 

“It’s going to be fine.” Aaron gives him a smile. 

“But what if Jake hates me?”

“He’s already met you and he loves you.”

“But he hasn’t met me as your … your …”

“Boyfriend?” Aaron supplies laughing a little. 

“That.” 

“We don’t have to use that word if you don’t want to.”

“I want to! It’s just .. well it almost feel immature given everything, I guess it feels like we’re past boyfriends but what is there past boyfriends and -“

“Spencer it’s okay, we can be what ever you want us to be.”

Aaron eyes stay on the road but he covers Spencer’s hand with his.

It’s one of those good days Spencer decides. When they pick Jack up from Jessica’s he jumps into his fathers arms and then just starts talking about his day at school with no prompting and no questions about why Spencer is here. The whole car ride is so full of Jack and Spencer’s chatter no one has a moment left for worry.

When they get back to their apartment they sit Jack down and between Spencer’s stuttering explanation and Aaron’s uncomfortable fidgeting they get it all out in the open. Jack just smiles and hugs them both. And then it’s time for cookies because that had been Aaron’s plan, if everything went wrong cookies would smooth things over, if everything when great cookies to celebrate. And that was a plan Spencer could get behind.

“And then -” Jack waves his arms around excitedly and knock over the remaining carton of milk. Through some miracle or latent FBI training finally kicking in Spencer manages to snatch it back from the edge but not before it’s splashed a little all over Aaron’s shirt. Everything goes quiet for a moment but then Aaron burst out laughing and Jack starts laughing and Spencer’s laughing so hard he can’t breath and it’s all so -

“I’ll get you another shirt.” Spencer manages to force out before he flees the scene. As he catches his breath in the bedroom he can feel tears forming at the corner of his eyes.

It’s a good day, it’s so good it almost hurts. It does hurt. His chest feels tight and his head is spinning.

As he’s standing in their bedroom in their apartment listening his boyfriend and his boyfriends son laughing it hits him, he never even let himself dream he’d have something like this.

Spencer takes a deep breath letting that wash over him as he pulls open the dresser to find a new shirt. Sorting through selfishly trying to find the light blue one that looks the best on Aaron (they all look good but the light blue one looks the best) his hand its something hard and small. He pulls it out and and in the dim light of the bedroom he examines the little black box.

The world shifts a little beneath his feet as he realizes what it undoubtedly is. He doesn’t need to open it to know Aaron’s grandmother’s ring is in there.

“Spencer!” Jack’s voice calls out.

He hurriedly shoves the ring box back and grabs a shirt blindly running quickly back to the living room. Aaron gives him an odd look and Spencer realizes he must be smiling ear to ear but he doesn’t care.

“Oh the blue one my favorite.” Aaron smiles back. 


End file.
